By Loud Atlas
The Song Bar Self-Help Guide - How To Be Awkward
Follow these 14 steps for a more uncomfortable and awkward life.
1) Gyrate With Unrhythmic Abandon
Using your long awkward feet, dance like everyone's watching. Continue to practise every night in the hope you get it right. Also known as social suicide. Moustache optional. See Frank Zappa - Dancin' Fool.
2) Engage In Reserved Bashfulness
Do not use a comb or don well-fitted clothes. Ogle slender legs. Purchase biscuits and jewellery for love interests without knowledge of their marital status. See Kippington Lodge - Shy Boy.
3) Find Cryptically Creepy Ways Of Showing Your Affections
One proven example is to hire an employee who can write you their own love letter. Claim to 'take their heart' once they have realised your motives. Expect a call from HR. See The Ink Spots - Please Take A Letter, Miss Brown.
4) Be Dangerously Impulsive
Expect the expected. Question everything else. Interrogate other public bathroom dwellers on their gender, body parts and intentions. Kindly direct them to the suitable 'male/female' area best suited to you. Disregard their feelings. See Tribe 8 - Wrong Bathroom.
5) Upstage Friends then Sweat and Kick Shins
Does your friend have something nice to say? Step in front of them, take what is theirs and make it a better version. Perspire a lot. Don't pay attention to the position of your feet and jab in the direction of friend's lower leg. See The Police - Does Everyone Stare.
6) Keep Previous Partners Uninformed
Keep new relationships secret. Don't break off ties from previous partners. Allow them to believe that meeting you at a train station is a grand idea. Don't reply to correspondence from previous beaus. Bring new boyfriend to meet old boyfriend. See The Shangri-Las - The Train From Kansas City.
7) Make Defamatory Statements At Important Ceremonies
Spread unsolicited rumours unashamedly at formal events such as weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs etc. Leave doors open to allow sound to travel. See Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies.
8) Become Increasingly Odd
Not a fan of the proffered meat at dinnertime? Pour it over your chest. Hungry at the cinema? Nibble someone. Other inappropriate behaviour encouraged to increase awkwardness. Murder not legal; likely jail time. See Warren Zevon - Excitable Boy.
9) Overshare With Your Ex-Partner
If your relationship has come to end, continue to engage in communication with your ex. Inform your ex-lover about deeply private thoughts and feelings, such as nocturnal emissions and your penchant for a particular Christina Ricci 90s film. Keep details creepy. See Wet Leg - Wet Dream.
10) Dine With New Sexual Acquaintances
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day as other self-help manuals suggest. Embrace the temporary amnesia brought on by an over indulgence in alcohol. Get to know your new partners over muesli and toast. See Art Brut - Awkward Breakfast.
11) Fail To Recall Life Events
Live life one day to the next. Throw away your old calendars, notes and diaries. Hook up with anyone of your choice - use that code word carefully. Don't be prepared for the consequences. See Rio Romeo - Dyltgir?.
12) Communication To Induce Emesis and Defecation
Surround yourself with people to whom you are enamoured. Nerves will devour every aspect of your being. Expect loss of speech, bowels and stomach lining. Induct 'nunubididoo' into your vocabulary. See Danny John-Jules - Tongue Tied.
13) Focus On The Minutiae
Say something to someone and expect a response, as per usual conversations. Become a bad news giver and savour the few seconds' gap. The greater the topic, the greater the anxiety. Make that silence awkward. See Glass Animals - It's All So Incredibly Loud.
14) Outstay Your Welcome
Are you unable to convey your message in under four minutes like everyone else? Say what you need to say (perhaps question another man's existence, as an example), but stretch it out to maybe just shy of 12 minutes. Be direct, but pad it out. A lot. See Creative Source - Who Is He (And What Is He To You?).
The Ultimately Awkward A-List Playlist:
Frank Zappa - Dancin' Fool (BanazirGalabasi)
Kippington Lodge - Shy Boy (Nicko)
The Ink Spots - Please Take A Letter, Miss Brown (Uncleben)
Tribe 8 - Wrong Bathroom (Max Visconta Nuclerosea)
The Police - Does Everyone Stare (ParaMhor)
The Shangri-Las - The Train From Kansas City (MussoliniHeadkick)
Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies (Nilpferd)
Warren Zevon - Excitable Boy (Marconius7)
Wet Leg - Wet Dream (severin)
Art Brut - Awkward Breakfast (Fred Erickson)
Rio Romeo - Dyltgir? (Max Visconta Nuclerosea)
Danny John-Jules - Tongue Tied (BanazirGalbasi)
Glass Animals - It's All So Incredibly Loud (Nilpferd)
Creative Source - Who Is He (And What Is He To You?) (Nicko)
For more useful awkward advice, see below. Examples include: entertaining clumsy house guests, speaking awkwardly to the opposite sex and accepting advice on manual labour. Further reading also available below.
The Brilliantly Bumbling B-List Playlist:
Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict (vanwolf2)
Jake Thackray - Leopold Alcocks (Alaric)
Joe Jackson - Awkward Age (Fred Erickson)
Ralph McTell - Streets of London (pejepeine)
Janis Ian - At Seventeen (Suzi)
Lord Melody - Wau, Wau (IsabelleForshaw)
Bernard Cribbins - Hole In The Ground (Alaric)
Courtney Barnett - Nobody Really Cares If You Don't Go To The Party (ShivSidecar)
The Business - Look At Him Now (Carpgate)
Sunny Sweeney - Backhanded Compliment (Fred Erickson)
Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons - Rag Doll (Marconius7)
Rodney Carrington - Don't Look Now (Momma's Got Her Boobs Out) (IsabelleForshaw)
Humphrey Ocean & The Hardy Annuals - Whoops A Daisy (TarquinSpodd)
Further Reading AKA Guru's Wildcard Picks:
The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
Keep talking. Badmouth whomever you like.
Scala and Kolacny Brothers - Creep
Strive for others out of your league and prepare for bitter disappointment.
Jonathan Coulton - The Future Soon
Leave anonymous love notes to prospective partners. Ensure they are traceable to you.
Flo & Joan - Drank Too Much
Drink too much and embrace the awkward chaos.
These playlists were inspired by readers' song nominations from last week's topic: We are not amused: songs about awkwardness. The next topic will launch on Thursday at 1pm UK time.
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