By The Landlord
“Four things belong to a judge: To hear courteously; to answer wisely; to consider soberly; and to decide impartially.” - Socrates
“A good judge conceives quickly, judges slowly.” - George Herbert
“Jarndyce and Jarndyce drones on. This scarecrow of a suit has, over the course of time, become so complicated, that no man alive knows what it means. The parties to it understand it least; but it has been observed that no two Chancery lawyers can talk about it for five minutes without coming to a total disagreement as to all the premises. Innumerable children have been born into the cause; innumerable young people have married into it; innumerable old people have died out of it …
Well may the uninitiated from the streets, who peep in through the glass panes in the door, be deterred from entrance…by the drawl languidly echoing to the roof from the padded dais where the Lord High Chancellor looks into the lantern that has no light in it, and where the attendant wigs are all stuck in a fog bank …
In trickery, evasion, procrastination, spoliation, botheration, under false pretences of all sorts, there are influences that can never come to any good.” – Charles Dickens, Bleak House, 1852
“The law is such an ass!” – George Chapman, Revenge for Honour, 1654
Silence in court! All must now rise!
Welcome then, the innocent, the wicked, and the wise.
Barristers and clerks, juries, and judiciary,
good, bad and ugly, unwitting, or accessary.
Every type of background, stories told on face.
All social strata, circumstance, and case.
Emotional breakdown, to stiff upper lip.
Tapestries of truth and justice, prejudice lets rip.
Lyrical telling of fact and perspective.
Delicate balance, Subjective v Objective.
Drama in the courtroom, tears and repentance,
leading to the buildup of verdict and sentence.
A music rogues’ gallery of all kinds of figure,
stories and confession, some factual rigour.
Raise your right hand! Witness or procurer,
criminals and judges, barrister or juror.
Songs about trial, more than a lawyer,
stories in the chamber, less in the foyer,
whoever gives perspective, tort, or loose, report,
as long as the song refers to action in the court.
Perhaps you’ll bear witness to judges in trials big.
Historical figures who’ve donned the dusty wig.
Sentences notorious for injustice clanging?
Lord Jeffries’ daily love of 17th-century hanging.
The notorious George Jeffreys, aka 1st Baron Jeffreys, known as ‘The Hanging Judge’
Or perhaps in books, you’ll enjoy some legal diction.
Dickens was a scourge of the law in his fiction.
Jarndyce v Jarndyce, that endless trial of battled wills,
fought in Bleak House, but only Chancery’s boot it fills.
Court of Chancery 1808
“Zero tolerance" figures, not known for altruism?
US James McReynolds? Famous for his racism,
rejected court clerk applicants with a daily rage,
from “Jews, drinkers, blacks, women married or engaged”.
Judges seen as crazy, judges seen as critical,
or judges just appointed with a motive that’s political.
Perhaps you’ll save a song, and a certain rage
for Supreme Court names that undid Roe v Wade.
Judges who took bribes, slept or were found drinking,
had sex in chambers, or just showed muddled thinking.
“Stiff arm of the law” in the famous Trials of Oz,
Farcical indecency for comic draw of bums and paws.
Kangaroo courts, or witch trials for the masses,
Justice as way to control the lower classes.
Justice for the bored, justice for the moody,
justice with some comedy, justice with Judge Judy.
No nonsense: Judge Judy Sheindlin
Trials controversial, fictional or real,
trials where the verdict was subject to appeal.
Trials with a drama, trials of distinction.
The trials of Michael Jackson, or even OJ Simpson …
Trials on TV, as endless infotainment,
Court Cam channels in advertised sustainment.
Strange moments with defendants suddenly caught napping,
breaking into song: the judge who does some rapping:
But the judges who are best, are tidily invisible,
quietly dispense their justice indivisible.
Super-sharp minds who don’t forget a face,
recalling every clause and quotation from a case.
Judges praised for their skills in those famous trials.
Wilberforce and Denning? Brought fear as well as smiles.
Lady Hale is hailed as ‘Beyonce of the law’,
Ketanji Jackson? First black woman through the Supreme door.
So call your next witness. Silence, court in session!
Keep your own counsel. Can you rephrase the question?
Disregard and strike that phrase. Was that in French?
Objection, your honour! Now approach the bench!
So put forward songs, and keep your minds clear.
Remember what’s relevant as well as what holds dear.
As witness or juror there is much to ponder,
The truth will be out there. Here’s Peter Fonda:
So it’s time for our own judge to weigh up the evidence,
to listen to those songs and then get off the fence.
Welcome then Lord Nicko. When judgement comes around,
Beyond reasonable doubt, it will always, be sound.
Time to complete the sentence …
So then, please place your songs in comments below. The court gavel will be hit on the desk at 11pm UK time for last orders on Monday, and playlists published next week. The court’s decision is final.
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