Playlists: songs about detectives and private investigators

By Marco den Ouden

I was sitting at my desk at Scotland Yard when the call came in. The sergeant transferred the call immediately. “You need to handle this, chief. Some dame says there’s been a murder.”

I took the call and she told me she was at a small gathering up at the Tudor Mansion, that big imposing old place on the hill. The host had disappeared for a minute and when he didn’t return, they went looking for him. Found him dead.

Luckily for me, there was a detectives convention in town. I was a member, of course. So I thought to myself, why not bring in the world’s best sleuths to help solve the case. I gave one of my men the list to recruit them and have them meet me there.

We’ve now done our investigating and have convened at the watering hole just down and across the road. A quaint and homey establishment known as The Song Bar. My old buddy Pete owned the place. Called himself The Landlord. Some beat cops were keeping an eye on the suspects at the mansion while we deliberated.

I thought some mood music might help in our recounting of the evidence. Spin a little Robb Johnson, Landlord, I called. I’d given him a list. Then I addressed the assembled D’s. “So who do you think it was? Who could the killer be? Everyone’s got a motive. But who turned the key? Is it one of the colonel’s sons? The wife or the mystery blonde? Whodunnit? The doctor, the gypsy, the butler, the cook? The policeman, the fiancée, as innocent as they look?”

Some stragglers waltzed in as I was speaking. The Landlord started the next disc, something from the Laurie Johnson Orchestra. The late comers were John Steed and Emma Peel. The Avengers. Good to have them on board. I looked forward to their report. But first, one of our American sleuths. 

“A little Ray Charles please, Landlord.” I nodded to one of the American detectives, a suave sophisticated looking man who looked a lot like Sidney Poitier. “Detective Mister Tibbs, what were your first impressions as you arrived at the mansion?” 

“Stars with evil eyes stare from the sky all mean and bright In the Heat of the Night,” Tibbs replied. 

“Ah,” I replied. “A sense of foreboding then.” Tibbs nodded.

Having given another nod to the Landlord, he played something from Sailor as I turned to Private Eye Romero to continue the story. He and Tibbs walked up to the mansion and the French maid, Claudine White led them to the back patio. “She switched the light on in the swimming pool, a silhouette with a cigarette.” She pointed to the body lying on the cement. It was the owner of the mansion, the multi-millionaire Dr. Boden “Boddy” Black Jr.. Ms. White looked distraught. “Mr. Romero, won't you find me the truth? Find me the truth?” I assured her we would and had her lead us inside where the others were gathered. Six people, including the maid, all suspects. 

I turned to the Landlord. “Some Regals please,” I cast about to see who I should get to report next. I’m no Detective of Love. I wanted answers. “Should I call Charlie Chan, he’s the man. Or Peter Gunn. He’s the one. Or maybe Baretta. Even better.”

I opted for Norman. Lou Norman. I nodded to the Landlord and he spun the next platter from Yello. Norman had interrogated one of the suspects, a Ms. Mandy Cooper who called herself Scarlett. She was a lounge singer at the Ocean Club. ““She got a pair of blue eyes that look green to me. And then she approached me. Oh boy!” he opined. What’s with these private dicks that they get their heads turned so easily by a hottie. 

The Landlord started the next record. That Spanish agent, Joaquin Sabina opined that he’d met Scarlett once when she was singing at a bar in the Spanish quarter. He was working El Caso de la Rubia Platino (the case of the platinum blonde). The only way to get information from that babe, he said, was to fork over some dough. But he clearly thought that was less than a sure bet. “Cubrirse las espaldas. Ninguna zorra vale ese dinero.” (Cover your back. No bitch is worth that money.) “Extorsión y líos de faldas,” he added. “Extortion and skirt trouble.” 

Not a lot of help so far. We’d ID-d the dead man but still didn’t have a handle on the perp. I called on My Rival, Detective Dan. We’d both been up for Detective of the Year several years running, alternating wins. No! Not that Hawaiian guy who always hopped to McGarrett’s order, “Book ‘em, Danno.” I’m talking about the PI known as Steely Dan. The Landlord started the next number as Dan told us about the lead he uncovered. “He's got a scar across his face. He wears a hearing aid.”

Well. Now we were getting somewhere. Our DJ Landlord started another track. Four of the greatest detectives in the world, Hercule Poirot, Miss Jane Marple, Inspector Maigret and Sherlock Holmes, stood up and spoke in unison. They Might Be Giants, but this was a strange way to pass on information. True, they had collaborated in interrogating Mrs. Peacock, the thirty-something brunette who worked as a Hotel Detective at the Ritz. “She's got her ear to the walls and she's tappin' the calls,” the quartet sang out. “If you've got a secret boy, forget about it!” Peacock confirmed that the man with the scar and the hearing aid had been a guest at the hotel the week before. She’d heard him say something about how he hated Black’s guts and wished he were dead. 

As the DJ spun something from Stanley Brinks & Freschard, a Captain from the Yard related his interrogation of Claudine White, the French maid. “It’s been a rough night for me, Captain, if you know what I mean.” she told him. He replied: “Well, it’s been a rough night for someone else and you know them well, Claudine.” At which point Claudine started crying. She and the victim had been lovers, she revealed. But she also said she had noticed a blood covered monkey wrench in the secret passage from the kitchen to the study. She had used the passage to bring some tea to the doctor but found him missing. She’d heard footsteps scurrying away as she found the weapon.

Aha! A weapon and a location. 

We just had to nail the suspect. We knew it was a man who used a monkey wrench to bash in Black’s brain in the study. But which man? 

As the Landlord put on a song from Jackie Leven, I recalled that the next detective I would ask to speak was a troubled man. Everyone knew about The Haunting of John Rebus. He had his own inner demons. “He’s a lonely man. Lonely man. And his name’s John Rebus and he’s got the blues,” I thought. But he offered some good information as I knew he would. He’d spoken to both the Reverend Mr. Green and Professor Phineas Plum. Neither sported a scar nor were either using a hearing aid. 

Our barkeep/landlord put on Bill Lloyd as that Yankee Private Detective Sam Spade, told of his interview with Colonel Algernon Mustard. The octogenarian was wearing a hearing aid and had what appeared to be a fresh scar on his face. Forensic analysis of the victim’s fingernails would undoubtedly find traces of the colonel’s skin. Spade recorded the interview, of course. And Mustard fulminated in protest, “You and your insinuations - I reject them one by one. Play me back this conversation. Push the button, then we’re done.” 

“We’re done?” Spade replied. “You’re the one who’s done, Buster. You’re going up the river.”

I asked Detective Inspector Knopfler to offer his reflections on the case to close the meeting as the sound of Dire Straits permeated the room. “Private Investigations,” he said, speaking for all of us who work in this field, always leave us a bit shattered, broken. “Treachery and treason, there's always an excuse for it and when I find the reason, I still can't get used to it.” Another case closed but not forgotten. “Scarred for life. No compensation.” 

Answers? All Revealed In The Whodunnit A-List Playlist:

1. Whodunnit? - Robb Johnson (TatankaYotanka)

2. Avengers Theme - Laurie Johnson Orchestra (Suzi)

3. In the Heat of the Night - Ray Charles (Fred Erickson)

4. Private Eye - Sailor - Detective Romero (Fred Erickson)

5. Detective of Love - The Regals (BanazirGalbasi)

6. Ocean Club - Yello (Fred Erickson)

7. El Caso de la Rubia Platino - Joaquin Sabina (Maki)

8. My Rival - Steely Dan (Fred Erickson)

9. (She Was A) Hotel Detective - They Might Be Giants (Vikingchild)

10. Claudine - Stanley Brinks & Freschard (Shoegazer) 

11. The Haunting of John Rebus - Jackie Leven (TatankaYotanka)

12. Private Eye - Bill Lloyd (Fred Erickson)

13. Private Investigations - Dire Straits (Noodsy)

The B-List Playlist:

1. We are Detective - Thompson Twins (Noodsy)

2. Private Eye - Nipple Erectors (TarquinSpodd)

3. Bad Detective - New York Dolls (TarquinSpodd)

4. Detective Privé - JJ Burnel & Dave Greenfield (Maki)

5. Private Eyes - Hall & Oates (Noodsy)

6. The Friends of Mr. Cairo - Jon & Vangelis (ParaMhor)

7. Armchair Detective - Reverend & the Makers (Vikingchild)

8. Sherlock Holmes - Sparks (Suzi)

9. Whodunit - Tavares (Loud Atlas)

10. Poor Heart - Phish (Fred Erickson)

11. Detective Man - Detective (Fred Erickson)

12. Loveblind - Church (Nicko)

13. Sergeant Small - Weddings, Parties, Anything (Nicko)

14. Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow: Baretta Theme - Sammy Davis Jr. (Nicko)

15. Dragnet Blues - Johnny Moore's Three Blazers (Nicko)

16. Dragnet Theme - Art of Noise (Nicko)

17. Theme From Shaft Reggae Style - Chosen Few (Nicko)

18. Are You Man Enough? - The Four Tops (Nicko)

19. Tweeter and the Monkey Man - Traveling Wilburys (Suzi)

20. C.I.D. - UK Subs (severin)

21. I Spy for the FBI - Jamo Thomas (TarquinSpodd)

22. A Detective Story - Tommy Flanders (Fred Erickson)

23. Detective Tracy - Poster Children (Fred Erickson)

24. The Fingerprint File - Rolling Stones (AltraEgo)

25. Detective - Leon Nightingale (Fred Erickson)

26. Hard Boiled Detective Fiction - Nicoll Brothers Band (BanazirGalbasi)

27. Sleuth - Gordon Giltrap (BanazirGalbasi)

28. Brass Knuckles - Rupert Holmes (pejepeine)

C-List - Instrumentals Playlist:

1. Starsky & Hutch Theme - James Taylor Quartet (Vikingchild)

2. Dirty Harry - Main Title - Lalo Schifrin (Fred Erickson)

3. The Detectives - Alan Tew (pejepeine)

4. Peg o' My Heart: The Singing Detective Intro - Max Harris & his Novelty Trio (Shoegazer)

5. Angel Heart (Main Theme) - Trevor Jones (Shoegazer)

6. Loneliness - Yuji Ohno (ajostu)

7. Theme from New Scotland Yard - Norrie Paramor (Nicko)

8. The Private Life of a Private Eye - Enoch Light & The Light Brigade (BanazirGalbasi)

9. Sleuth - Tom Beckham (BanazirGalbasi)

10. Elementary Main Theme - Sean Callery (Fred Erickson)

11. The Inspector - Alison Brown (Fred Erickson)

12. X-Files Theme - Mark Snow (Fred Erickson)

Guru’s Wildcard Pick:

Now I’m Following You (Parts 1 and 2) - Madonna with Warren Beatty

These playlists were inspired by readers' song nominations in response to last week's topic: Case notes: songs about detectives and private investigators. The next topic will launch on Thursday after 1pm UK time.

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