By Marco den Ouden
“I presently distinguished an extraordinary shuffling and stamping of feet on the staircase, on the floors, on the carpets… And behold, I perceived, all at once, on the door sill, an armchair, my large reading chair, which came waddling out. Right into the garden it went, followed by others, the chairs of my drawing room, then the comfortable settee, crawling like crocodiles on their short legs; next, all my chairs bounding like goats,and the small footstools which followed like rabbits.
“Oh, what a hideous surprise! I stepped back behind the shrubs, where I stayed, crouched and watching this procession of my furniture; for out they all came, one behind the other, quickly or slowly according to their form and weight. My piano - my large grand piano - passed at a canter like a horse, with a faint murmur of music from within… Suddenly I beheld my pet bureau, a rare specimen of the last century, and which contained all my correspondence, all my love letters, the whole history of my heart, an old history of how much I have suffered!” - Guy de Maupassant, Who Knows?
De Maupassant’s short story is about a man on the verge of insanity who imagines his furniture coming to life. But when we think about it, our furniture reflects who we are, they are alive in some metaphorical sense. A search on Google for “if the furniture could talk” yields 209 million hits. If our furniture could talk, oh the stories it could tell. So we start off this collection with The Beautiful South’s The Table. Told from the table’s perspective, it tells how the table has been used and abused. The table admonishes its owner: Treat me with some dignity, don't treat me like a slave or I'll turn into the coffin in your grave.
Many of the songs about furniture struck an emotional chord. Furniture is not only an extension of ourselves, it is an extension of the significant others in our lives. And if one of them leaves, the furniture leaves behind bittersweet memories. George Jones gives us The Grand Tour of his house after his woman has left him. He recalls the memories buried there.
Or the lover is still there, but has grown distant. Little Big Town laments the lover turned stranger lying on The Other Side of the Bed. But at least they are there. Hope remains. For FKA Twigs, her lover is gone. She lies in her Daybed alone, her fingers replacing her lover’s tongue. Rihanna’s California Day Bed starts with the intimation that there may be trouble in paradise, but turns around with a happy ending. A song both lush and romantic.
In some of these songs, the woman has left. But Dylan Scott tells us he left of his own accord to find ”a little Living Room, some space to breathe.” It was a mistake he realizes as he looks around his miserable small apartment with its milk-crate coffee table and furniture from Goodwill. “Just feels more like I'm dying without you,” he reflects.
We don’t know what happened to Jarvis Cocker but he has taken refuge in Room 29, “a comfortable venue for a nervous breakdown, a front row seat for a psychic shakedown”. He hints that it’s a room at the hotel, the notorious Chateau Marmont in Hollywood, but can there really be a “hotel room that hasn't been fucked in?” It has a mini-bar and a piano. Cocker evokes a wistful and deeply sad tone, ably accompanied by the moody piano of Chilly Gonzalez.
From the sombre lets move to the more upbeat and happy reflections on our relationship with furniture. Family gatherings around the Family Table are fondly remembered by the Zac Brown Band. Kiri’s Piano is not upbeat, but deeply reflective. James Keelaghan tells of talented Japanese pianist who was sent to an internee camp during the war. She had him dispose of all her furniture for her, except for her piano. It represented her dignity and she wasn’t going to let it fall into the hands of strangers.
We’ve covered passionate love gone wrong, but here are two songs about love gone right. Billy Storm invites his lover to join him in his Easy Chair. I don’t think just sitting in it was what he had in mind. And Tamia can’t even wait to get to the bedroom when her travelling husband comes home. The kids are in bed, the house is theirs. They don’t make it past the Chaise Lounge, a perfect spot for romance.
Furniture, of course, except for heirlooms passed down through the generations, usually ends up in the dump or at a second hand furniture store. Our penultimate number is Ruth Brown’s bawdy If I Can’t Sell It, I’ll Keep Sitting On It. She runs a secondhand furniture store and berates the cheapskate trying to talk her down on price for an easy chair. But it seems she is selling more than just the chair in a song laced with double entendres. Lively, upbeat and funny.
We can’t leave without reflecting on the great service our resident barkeep, the Landlord provides. The barstool is more than just a place to sit, as he has amply demonstrated week in and week out. The terrific Vargas Blues Band tell us more in Barstool Blues. The Song Bar, where we can share our pleasures and share our woes. Where we can reflect on life with our friends every week. Thank you Peter for this marvelous venue!
Merry Christmas to all!
The Bureau, Bookcase and Full Bedroom Suite B-List Playlist:
I've added a short quote from each to the list.
Big O Motel by Tarnation - “At the Big O Motel, on the vibrating bed, cologne drenched curtains of velour red.”
Manual de decoracion para personas abandonadas by Fangoria - “Deception and sofas, new independent environments to hide and forget.”
Ikea by Jonathan Coulton - “Selling furniture for college kids and divorced men”
Blanket on the Ground by Billie Jo Spears - “Just once more I wish you'd love me on the blanket on the ground.”
Good Old Desk by Harry Nilsson - “It’s the one friend I've got, a giant of all times, my good old desk.”
Rocking Chair by Dean Friedman - "Well, well," said the rocking chair, "It's been a while since I've seen such stark despair. Who told you life was fair?"
Rockin’ Chair by the Mills Brothers - “Old rocking chair's got me, my cane by my side. Fetch me that gin, son, 'fore I tan your hide.”
Secondhand Furniture by The Go-Betweens - “I saw our bed in the window light. Secondhand furniture.”
My Father’s Chair by Rick Springfield - “We told each other we cared. We avoided My Father's Chair.”
You Can Put Your Shoes Under My Bed by Neil Finn and Paul Kelly - “Anytime, anytime you're passing by this way, remember you will always have a place to stay.”
Bed of Nails by Alice Cooper - “I'll lay you down and when all else fails, I'll drive you like a hammer on a bed of nails.”
There is a Bed by Mary Coughlan - “There is a bed that is my sanctuary, a bed where I can end my days.”
Cold Kisses by Richard Thompson - “I think I've found what I'm looking for, hidden away at the back of the drawer. Here's the life that you led before.”
The Rocking Chair by The Beautiful South - “I'll take this deep despair of a 30 year old square to the rocking chair.”
Radio Sweethearts by Kate Rusby - “She was pretty, he was tall. He placed the furniture next to the wall. They closed their eyes, the stars shone bright. The Radio Sweethearts waltzed all night.”
Grandma’s Feather Bed by John Denver - “It could hold eight kids and four hound dogs and a piggy we stole from the shed. We didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun on grandma's feather bed.”
Table for One by Courtney-Marie Andrews - “'Cause I'm a little bit lonely, a little bit stoned, and I'm ready to go home.”
All the Beds I’ve Made by Caroline Spence - “Of all the beds I've made, I've messed up a few. Lies tangled up like sheets.”
Milord by Edith Piaf - “I know you, my lord. You never saw me. I'm just a port girl, a shadow of the street.”
Futon Couch by Missy Higgins - “Hey, know what, I think you'll be kissing me against the kitchen sink 'cause I see everything now sitting on this futon couch.”
Old Porch Swing by Gene Watson - “It held a grieving widow when my daddy's daddy died. And now it rocks my children when they close their sleepy eyes.”
The Chair by PJ Harvey and John Parish - “Pieces, pieces of my life are gone washed away in water that took my son.”
Lay Lady Lay by Bob Dylan - “Why wait any longer for the one you love when he's standing in front of you.”
Breakfast in Bed by Lorna Bennett - “She's hurt you again, I can tell. Oh, I know that look so well. Don't be shy you've been here before. Pull your shoes off, lie down, and I will lock the door.”
From Across the Kitchen table by The Pale Fountains - “The only thing between you and me is the fact you laugh when I'm unstable but I don't know they say maybe it's the water across the kitchen table.”
Guru’s Wildcard Pick:
Empty Bed Blues by Bette Midler - the Bessie Smith version is zedded.
These playlists were inspired by readers' song nominations from last week's topic: It's got legs: songs about furniture.
The next topic will launch on Thursday at 1pm UK time.
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