By Uncleben
Your attention please! Could those pupils arriving late please take your seats quietly and promptly at the front of the hall. Blenkinsop, kindly remove that pencil from the nostril of the boy next to you. Banerjee, if that is a cow milking machine in your pocket, please hand it in to one of the prefects. And Wallace, there is a time and place for dewaxing your ears, but morning assembly is most certainly not one of them.
For some of you, this is of course your final school assembly. All the staff here at St Peter’s want to convey to you our heartfelt thanks for everything you’ve contributed to the life of the school – yes, even you, Blenkinsop – and to wish you health, happiness and fulfilment as you embark upon your adult lives. I have here some sage advice for you, gathered from some of the teaching staff, which I will share in just a moment.
First, though, my thanks to those pupils who raised the alarm about our former PSHE consultant, Mr Caws, now revealed to be a member of an American rock band by the name of Nada Surf. Anyone who followed Mr Caws’s advice on dating is asked to book a special appointment with the school counsellor. And if you still have a copy of his Teenage Guide to Popularity, please return it immediately to the staff room.
A special message next from Mr Hartford, the head of our thriving music department. He has offered to donate his prized collection of Gentle Giant records to anyone who can shed light on how the grand piano found its way from the assembly hall to the deep end of the school swimming pool yesterday evening. And please, I’m sure we’ve been through this before, but could all members of the after-school music club remember not to leave Mr Hartford’s phonograph records out in the sun – they warp and then they won’t be good for anyone.
When I asked fellow staff members for their views on the advice we should give our school leavers, our dear matron Miss Etting went so far as to compose a whole songful. The salient features are to button up your overcoat; eat an apple every day; get to bed by three; be careful crossing streets; don’t eat meat; cut out sweets; keep away from bootleg hooch; don’t sit on hornets’ nests, nails or third rails; wear your flannel underwear when you climb a tree; steer clear of frozen ponds, peroxide blondes, and stocks and bonds; and take the spoon out of your cup when drinking tea. Wise words, indeed.
Ms Marling has offered some rather more enigmatic advice, though I’m told it will make complete sense to those who attended her surprisingly energetic philosophy and psychology seminars this term. “Darkness can’t do you harm, fear will hurt you. Never give orders just to be obeyed. Don’t be impressed by strong personalities. Be weary of being given a name if you’re not considered the same. And keep the eyes on the back of your mind.” May I remind you all, by the way, that Ms Marling has apologised for climbing on the roofs of the school buildings – and that there will be severe sanctions for any pupil found doing the same.
Now I’m sure you’ll all want to join me in expressing our appreciation to Messrs Jones, DeCosta, Allen and DeLoach, affectionately known to many of you as The Blenders for their idiosyncratic experiments in the chemistry lab. Regretfully, after complaints from certain parents, they have now left St Peter’s to return to their native New York. But they left this personal message for those of you looking forward to romantic adventures when you go up to university. “You can play around with TNT. You can mess around with a hungry bear, grab a tiger by the hair. But when you say the words ‘I love you’, just be sure each word is true. And don’t – [er, there’s no other way of putting this] – fuck around with love.” Although, as you will know if you were paying attention in Mr Males’s recent assembly on tigers, it’s best not to grab one by the hair.
Ms Musgraves has sent her special thanks to all the members of her food technology class – and has asked me to pass on this spirited advice. “Just hoe your own row and raise your own babies. Smoke your own smoke and grow your own daisies. Mend your own fences and own your own crazy. Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy.”
Congratulations to both our First XI football teams for their remarkable unbeaten seasons – vindicating, I feel, our controversial decision to recruit Mr Ben from Brazil as head of sport after Mr Southgate’s early retirement. And kudos to all those team members who took extra-curricular lessons in Portuguese to benefit fully from Mr Ben’s inspirational half-time team talks. For those less proficient in the language, I believe the gist was: “To be a good defender, you can't be too sentimental. You must be subtle, elegant and cold-blooded, have self-belief and loyalty. When there's a dangerous ball on the ground, think fast and low and clear it … Be jealous, win all the 50-50s, and don’t leave leftovers for anyone.” Go, St Peter’s!
Now, a very important announcement for those taking part in the Duke of Edinburgh expedition this coming weekend. Please be sure to read Ms Polwart’s notes very closely – they have also been sent to your parents. “Don’t speak without thinking, don’t sleep with a stranger when you’re drinking, don’t jump in a ship when it’s sinking.” I know we are all still reeling from the series of unfortunate events that ensued when young Jenkinson from the Lower Fifth failed to follow these instructions on last year’s expedition – and (let this be a lesson to you) did not receive his Gold Award.
I know many of you have greatly enjoyed the astronomy classes laid on by our head of physics, Mr Kuti. His advice, passed down to him by his mother, is simply to walk on the right side and find your guiding star. Everything you do will come back to you in time.
Mr Hendra, our religious studies teacher, careers adviser and founder of the after-school comedy club National Lampoon, has chosen to pass on his advice through a clever pastiche of the Max Ehrmann poem, Desiderata, that some of you have been studying in A-level English. He has asked me to stress in particular that, in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Not to be outdone, Ms Tempest, head of our English department, has written a somewhat more serious and, in my view, truly outstanding poem for our school leavers. I will leave Ms Tempest to perform this piece herself later, but let me offer you a small excerpt. “Breathe deep on a freezing beach. Taste the salt of friendship. Notice the movement of a stranger. Hold your own. And let it be catching”. Spellbinding stuff.
While we prepare the stage for a surprise performance, an important reminder from Ms Lincoln in the school office to make sure name tags are sewn into all items of sports clothing. To quote Ms Lincoln’s favourite aphorism, “you can never lose a thing if it belongs to you”.
We will now conclude with some surprising words of advice – set to music – from our esteemed head of French, Monsieur Valcourt. (He apologises, by the way, to those pupils still awaiting the results of their French A-level exams – we remain in dispute with the exam board as to whether Haitian Creole can be used in French orals.) Monsieur Valcourt has teamed up with some very talented members of our music society under the name Haitiando – young Carruthers has really come along on the trumpet, I’m sure you’ll agree, and Fotherington-Thomas has turned out to be a surprisingly dab hand at percussion – to write and perform this wonderful song. Its advice, put simply, is “pa koute konsèy” (or “n’écoute pas les conseils”, if those pedants at the exam board prefer) or “don’t listen to advice”!
The Advisory A-list Playlist:
Nada Surf – Popular
John Hartford – Don’t Leave Your Records in the Sun
Ruth Etting – Button Up Your Overcoat
Laura Marling – Gurdjieff’s Daughter
The Blenders – Don’t Fuck Around with Love
Kacey Musgraves – Biscuits
Jorge Ben – Zagueiro
Karine Polwart – Resolution Road
Femi Kuti – Walk on the Right Side
National Lampoon – Deteriorata
Kate Tempest – Hold Your Own
Abbey Lincoln – Throw It Away
Haitiando – Pa Koute Konsèy
The ‘Be Yourself’ B-list Playlist:
The advice here is mostly self-explanatory. The Busi Mhlongo song (which I probably enjoyed the most of all this week’s nominations but whose advice was not quite distinctive enough to make the A-list) is essentially explaining that you’ll never be alright unless you respect your parents. And I gather the diamond that Solomon Burke is advising you to keep in your mind (in this terrific version of a Tom Waits song) may have something to do with Tibetan buddhism.
The Black Angels – Don’t Play with Guns
Hot Tuna – Keep Your Lamps Trimmed and Burning
Fanny – Think About the Children
Solomon Burke – Diamond in Your Mind
Busi Mhlongo – We Baba Omncane
Cornershop – Sleep on the Left Side
Vince Guaraldi Trio – Cast Your Fate to the Wind
The Wedding Present – You Should Always Keep in Touch with Your Friends
Sister Rosetta Tharpe – Don’t Take Everybody to Be Your Friend
The Four Seasons – Walk Like a Man
Millie Jackson – Go Out and Get Some
Eddie and the Hot Rods – Do Anything You Wanna Do
Kiri and Lou – Look Before You Poo
The last of these features my favourite rhyming couplet of the week: “Flying high up in the trees brings responsibilities; if you don’t look and just let go, it might land on someone you know.” It’s probably the best video of the week too, but it can’t be added to a YouTube playlist so here it is on its own.
The I-list:
Some of the selections I enjoyed most this week were wholly or (in the case of the Rebirth Brass Band) largely instrumentals. I’ve included one of them – Vince Guaraldi – in the Bs. Here’s a bonus playlist with half a dozen others. You’ll need to listen to Cannonball Adderley’s introduction to the first track – and to the Rebirth Brass Band’s brief foray into lyrics – to find out why these tracks are in a playlist of songs that offer advice.
The Cannonball Adderley Quintet – Mercy, Mercy, Mercy
Art Tatum – Get Happy
The Ventures – Walk, Don’t Run
Rebirth Brass Band – Why Your Feet Hurt
John McLaughlin – Follow Your Heart
Charles Mingus – Better Git It in Your Soul
Guru's Wildcard Pick:
Wolfgang Dauner Quintet – Take Off Your Clothes to Feel the Setting Sun
These playlists were inspired by readers' song nominations from last week's topic: Take a piece: songs that quote or offer advice. The next topic will launch on Thursday at 1pm UK time.
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