By The Landlord
“There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?’”
“The mood will pass, sir.” – P. G. Wodehouse
“Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.” – Ken Dodd
“I'm a hero with coward’s legs.” – Spike Milligan
“I always had long legs. When I was young, I used to think, 'Why do I look like a little pony?’” – Tina Turner
“Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed.” – Charles M. Schulz, Peanuts
“The first sign of extravagance is to buy trousers that one does not need.” – George Ade
“There, I found a virtuous boatswain in his Majesty's service—a most excellent man, though I could have wished his trousers not quite so tight in some places and not quite so loose in others.” – Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
“Every single pair of trousers I own has a plectrum in it.” – Jack Garratt
“Four legs good, two legs bad.” – George Orwell, Animal Farm
“Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.” – Henrik Ibsen
“A pair of brilliantly cut cotton trousers can be more beautiful than a gorgeous silk gown.” – Yohji Yamamoto
“I had my trousers on at all times.” – Anthony Head
“Never trust a man in red trousers.” – Mika
“A man walks into doctor's office. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ asks the doc. ‘It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises,’ replies the man. ‘Blimey!’ says the doctor, ‘How do your trousers fit?’ ‘Like a glove.’” – Tommy Cooper
Legs are often going places, but what about what covers them? As well as various forms of tights and stockings, there’s evidence of trousers from as far back as the 6th century BC on the rock carvings and artworks of Persepolis, of horse-riding Eurasian nomads in Greek ethnography, and trouser wearers from the Iranian Scythians, the Sarmatians, Sogdians and Bactrians and in the far east, the Xiongnu/Hunnu. Through history, they’ve often had practical, and symbolic significance, of function, power and gender, despite the fact that those forward-striding Ancient Romans regarded them with suspicion as something worn only by Barbarians.
But in rock music particularly, various areas of tight and loose have are the sexualised cliche, from the erotic to the ridiculous. Talking of which, Coldplay’s Chris Martin, always keen for some exposure, has popped into the Bar to stick his leg in:
“You gotta wear the right trousers if you're gonna be a rock star,” he advises, so very usefully. He’s quickly upstaged by the tight-and-loose presence of Rod Stewart, who clothes the subject of his ambitions in the trouser metaphor: “I want to go out at the top, but the secret is knowing when you're at the top, it's so difficult in this business, your career fluctuates all the time, up and down, like a pair of trousers.” Yeah, yeah Rod. And to top that, here’s Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson, who, known for a strong set of limbs, confirms indeed that “rock music should be gross: that's the fun of it. It gets up and drops its trousers.”
Bruce-y bonus. Iron Maiden’s Mr Dickinson is as well known for his legs and shorts as …
… knobbly knees competition winner and AC/DC school uniform champion guitar hero Angus Young
So are legs best covered or otherwise? Depends on the legs I suppose. Let’s at least cover them in the form of song, either as the main subject or with a – er – prominent part in lyrics, whether human, or even animal. Some legs are certain best hidden, others seen and celebrated, sexy, short, long, rough or smooth, but either way, in literal or metaphorical form, from high fashion to ragged jeans, slacks to culottes, bell bottoms to tracksuits, pants to pantaloons, let’s cover legs and their coverings. Here’s that ready wit Ambrose Bierce with with a particular fashion definition:
“PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilised male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.”
Pantaloons became fashionable in early 19-century England and the Regency era. The style was introduced by Beau Brummell (1778–1840) and by mid-century had supplanted breeches as fashionable street-wear and other key words here include breeches, or baggy mid-calf (or three-quarter length) versions, such as worn by golfers (plus-fours) or those worn by baseball or American football players. And then there’s slacks …
So while we’re on male coverings, here’s a couple of old ads for your entertainment.
Any innuendo here is entirely coincidental
Essential wear for the discerning man
Do men’s trousers have sympolic ‘meaning’? They certainly do in the marvellous world of The Chap magazine, with the hidden language of trouser semaphore. Time to get moving, chaps.
Trouser semaphore, according to The Chap
The great John Cooper Clarke has dropped in, and as well as music, has many fine opinions on men’s attire. But in leg area, here’s his perspective: “To make the hips the focal point of a pair of trousers is, to me, a fashion mistake.”
The tighter trouser, or in America, pants, or figure hugging slacks can be hazardous, not merely for circulation, but for the stage performer. U2’s Bono famous split his doing forward lunge at Glastonbury, and there are many other examples, male and female suffering the same fate. Here’s even that Bobby Womack describing his own incident: "I was on stage with Cyndi Lauper, and my trousers split. It seemed like she was going to sing for ever.”
But in the right hands, or indeed legs, tight trousers can of course be sexy. Here’s Suzi Quatro on the subject: “I was inspired by Billie Holliday, and I really liked Mary Weiss of the Shangri-Las because she wore tight trousers and a waistcoat on top - she looked hot.”
Suzi Quatro inspiration: The Shangri-Las
When we think of famous legs, they are almost never male, almost always female. Those of a certain age will have fond memories of Top of the Pop’s famous dance group, Legs & Co, who did hundreds of routines in scantily clad times of another era, but were always one for the dads:
Legs & Co: always one for the dads
Legs have always been eye-catcher on stage and screen. Here’s some other famous names on the topic, who are also self-deprecatory.
“Beautiful? It's all a question of luck. I was born with good legs. As for the rest... beautiful, no. Amusing, yes,” says Josephine Baker.
We’ve already heard from Tina Turner. But here’s Sophia Loren: “I'm a giraffe. I even walk like a giraffe with a long neck and legs. It's a pretty dumb animal, mind you.”
Sophia obviously has a thing with those leggy creatures. Here she is with her young child and toy companion:
Now those are long legs … the height of family fun: Sophia Loren at home
Tina ‘legs’ Turner
Grace ‘hula’ Jones
So where will your leg and leg covering songs take you to straight, bendy or strange places? From the open-legged trousers as seen in the Bayeux Tapestry to the skin-tight hose of the Middle Ages, leading the the attachment to pourpoints and codpieces?
Or later modernisation movements, when trousers started to carry greater meaning, such as when Peter The Great of Russia issued a decree in 1701 commanding every Russian man, other than clergy and peasant farmers, to wear trousers?
Or during the French Revolution of 1789 and beyond, when many male citizens of France adopted a working-class costume including ankle-length trousers, or pantaloons (named after that Commedia dell'Arte character named Pantalone)?
And even more so perhaps when women, controversially, started to wear the metaphorical and literal pairs, from fashion to wartime?
A flair for fashion
Women have often worn the trousers in many ways …
So then, does this week’s song topic have legs? In a sense in does, but who knows where whether it’ll walk, run or stand still. It’s up to you. Wearing this week’s trousers in the guest guru sense is the marvellous Marco den Ouden! Let your legs do the talking in song form with nominations below, for deadline at 11pm on Monday UK time, for playlists published next week. From the ridiculous to sublime to the ridiculous …
But how wide will your selections go?
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